moving on up... moving on out

hey all

I'm out of here. find me at www.meganstow.wordpress.com from now on.

kthnxbai

Dear Beautiful

Hey

I've been missing you. It's only been 2 weeks, but it feels like a fucking lifetime. Since you've been away, I've realised, even though I bitch and moan that you seem to sap all my energy at times, how much energy and warmth I drew from you. And it's not just me. I watch you around other people. You have the most amazing aura that just draws people to you. You care about everything and manage to somehow genuinely listen to every one of the masses that are desperate to have a bit of your attention.

And what blows my mind every time I see this side of you is that you make so much time for me. You have lived through so much, seen so much, loved so much and know so much that i feel like a child compared to you. But still you want to be around me. When you told me you think of me as a sister, I didn't burst into tears because i was disappointed that you didn't want more of me... I was overwhelmed that you'd think of someone as insignificant as me in that way. You don't realise how much your friendship and love meant to me and how you just being around has got me through the worst times.

And now you're away for what looks like a lifetime from this side of February. I really can't wait for you to come back. It's so quiet and cold without you.

Mwah

clearly i am more fckd up than i thought

it's like a fairy tale right. boy meets girl, sweeps girl off feet and off they go to live happily ever after... right?

erm. clearly not to my mind.

on paper i have everything any normal girl should want (there's the big glaring clue... me and normal don't usually get put in a sentence!)... a great supportive guy that's seen me at my best and worst, and is still here. Pretty fucking amazing that. He adores my child, loves motorsport and music (real music mind you, except for slipknot. he and i'll never agree on slipknot) and gets on great with my friends, who all think he's fantastic. As I do. Don't get me wrong here. I'm totally (to borrow cath's phrase) smit. And so proud of him for working so hard to turn his life around this year.

but... (dum dum duuuuuuuuum)

I'm just not used to this level of devotion. i'm not used to someone being there for EVERYTHING. whether it's complete manic excitement, panic attacks, drunken spewing, bad dancing, silliness, sadness, whatever. he's there, being strong and supportive and just accepting and carrying on with it. it's awesome. and frightening. it scares me that i may start to depend on him and lose some of my strength because i won't need it when he's around to prop me up and get me through my "episodes". and i don't know how to deal with being told i'mbeautiful and amazing and blah blah blah, except to burst out laughing and tell him to get his eyes checked. and i'm scared that one day, after he's invested so much time and love and energy in me, and shae, that he'll realise i AM actually just a fucking nutjob, just like i've been trying to tell him for the last 6 months and then he won't be there anymore.

and most of all, i'm terrified that if i don't learn how to be more open and vulnerable and just go with this amazing thing that has happened to me, i'll drive him away.

nerdmag

clickee clickee!!

blah

So, insurance finally paid out post-hijacking. took the fuckers narly 2 months of faxing forms, re-faxing forms, arguing about which forms were faxed and which i'd yet to re-fax blah blah blah, ad nauseum.

With much excitement off i go car shopping. wheeeeee!

I found a divine little Ford Ikon, in the bestest condition at Honda in Pinetown.

Yesterday i sat down and did the finance applications and waited with baited breath. Shortly after this, i got a call to say that the finance was approved. So off to Honda Pinetown i rush, deposit cheque in hand, sign forms and get told i can pick my car up on Saturday. Ecxellent, much smsing and merriment on my part and a sigh of relief from my family and friends as they will no longer have to fetch and carry me.

Today. The phone rings and a VERY rude man from Westbank tells me that they won't give me finance until i can present payslips. Problem. I don't get payslips as I'm a freelance tech, not employed by any one theatre. Well, in that case says rudecunt, I have to provide them with 6 months bank statements. But I've given you 3 already. Yes, but 3 further back than that. You don't have enough money moving through your account says rudecunt.

Um. ok then. but my increased rate is only effective from NOW and NOW i have enough money to pay for my beautiful car. My bank statement in June won't show you that mr rudecunt. I don't care says mr rudecunt. oh. and you can't have your car tomorrow.

Oh well. at least i have insurance for a car i don't own. Wonder how long it'll take them to give me my deposit back?

wail. i really loved that car.

so fucking sick of life dumping on me.

i know i'm being emo, but didn't i have enough of a bad karma payout when 6 armed men abducted me, stole my car and left me in a sugarcane field?

fucksakes.

better go and send out "oops, i take that back, you'll still have to fetch and cary me sms's."

random list stuff

1. I am terrified about the fact that i'm now in a huge amount of debt.

2. I still don't want to be grown up.

3. It's very quiet at work without the crazy musicians, but it's kind of nice, as much as i miss them, to have a chilled night with no rushing or drama. It also gives my liver a break.

4. Even though the last couple of times have been a disaster, i'm friggin determined to stop smoking this time. Starting tomorrow.

5. Toilet training is a mission.

6. I'm feeling a little cheated that religion makes no sense to me. I'd love to have something to believe in.

7. I'm so happy the sun's out. Even though i LOATHE sunshine (my irish complexion doesn't work well with UV rays) i really need to do washing. Laundry day today.

8. I need new shoes. Not for any practical reason. Shoes just make me feel better.

9. I can't wait for monday so i can spend time with my man. And i never thought I'd feel that way about anyone. It's wierd, but good.

slimmin stuff

just for the record. this diet thing. not working. at.all. as soon as i get paid i'm going to try out these fat blocker tablets my boss raves about. i'm too weak to resist biscuits. if this doesn't work i'm getting my stomach stapled.

that being said. i had a smoothie for breakfast. how friggin good am i?

Rain Daze

Today is best described in pictures:


Lazy rain daze rock.

RIP Sauron

For Dawn and Barry. There's nothing anyone can say to console you over the loss of your beautiful boy. I love this:

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Reality Bites

Reality is running out. It's official. Reality is a finite natural resource, leaking out of the earth's crust since time began and now it's running out. That's the only feasible explanation as to why mankind has become so obsessed with creating artificial reality

But is it real? Reality TV has to be one of the furhtest things from actual reality there is. Dumping 16 carefully selected swimsuit models on a beautiful beach to "see how real people react to real situations" is exactly the opposite. Unreal. Non-real. Whatever. Call it what you like, but this engineered circumstance is not real. What kind of shipwreck survivors have to negotiate SWAT team obstacle courses with a full medical team standing by on high alert? Robinson Crusoe must be laughing his virtual arse off at all this silliness.

And the endless obsession with the "real" lives of celebrities? Please. These surgically modified celebutards that sell their lives and whore out their children to the entertainment channel are only exhibiting a carefully set-up, relentlessly engineered life-lite version of how they actually live. Which, for the record is light years away from reality for the rest of us. they live in a comfy cocoon for surreality. If the reality was what we were shown, how come Ozzy never schnarfed on MTV? The closest we get to the real lives of celebs are the fleeting moments we see on the news as they are wheeled into the ER after their latest breakdown.

As for music... well. Haha. What happened to some poor kids practicing in someone's garage and playing shitty gigs for years and years before they get their big break or just go their separate ways and become bankers? Now, with new insta-reality, they enter some TV competition and if they look ok and can sort of carry a tune, they're whisked off to be aribrushed and over produced and presented to the masses in a neat little media blitz that includes pencil cases and themed ipod docking stations. And the masses are perfectly fucking happy with this. Music is like fast food now. Instant gratification. To keep the public happy just feed them one after another on teh endless conveyor belt of MacBritneys from the Idols fast-tunez factory.

It's almost as if, what with World War 3 about to explode form Gaza and the planet melting as we speak, we're trying as hard as possible to create our own easy listening reality out of a mindless sureality.

Trying to convince ourselves that as long as we have Britney, Audi A4's, rugby and DSTV, everything is going to be alright and the real reality won't get us.

/rant.

something to think on

Got this from a friend of mine. thought i'd share it with you crazies. xx

Hi everyone, Early December my mom was diagnosed with a malignant lump under her left breast and a week later had the op - luckily only a lumpectomy and not a mastectomy. The good news is that it was a low grade tumour ie it was caught early so she doesn't have to go through that horrible chemo or radium therapy, but instead has to take anti-hormone tablets for the next 5 years. There is no prior history of ANY cancer in our family, but I rushed off to my doctor to have everything checked and my doctor says women should have their breasts checked regularly for lumps and if your family has a history of cancer or if are over 40 you should have a mamogram annually. On top of that, we should make changes to how we live an eat - buy a water filter, organic veggies (not genetically modified food), free range chicken and eggs, limit red meat, stop eating seafood (yes our oceans are being poisoned by us - watch the Blue Planet), throw out your microwave or use it much less (it has been proven that microwaves alter the state of food), throw out alluminium cookware and recycle so that we can minimise how much we are poisoning our own home - the Earth. Sorry if I'm lecturing, but we all need to be more aware and look after ourselves more.

Hope you all well and 2009 sees some dreams come true.

Love Calli

nom nom

yesterday in food:

Breakfast: toast (2 slices, marg) and tea
Snack:carrot cake *blush*
Lunch: cous cous and pepper salad
Supper: 1 huuuuuge red bull and 3 double whiskey and waters after work

and decided that i'm only going to be weighing in once a week from now on. staring at the scale every morning trying to discern a tiny difference is faaaar too demoralising

on a side note: my uncle has just been diagnosed with diabetes and insisted on testing all our blood sugar when he got here this morning. mine's normal, but listening to his wife describing what can happen if you leave diabetes unchecked for too long was pretty scary! it's worth having yours checked peeps!

Chips Ahoy will be my downfall!

Now was not the time to discover that Chips Ahoy have a choc mint chip biscuit out. I found a packet in my cupboard. I just took one to taste. And then went back and ate almost every single bloody one. Sigh.

BUT. That having been said, I've lost 4kg's so far, so this diet thing seems to be going ok. Now all i have to do is incorporate some *vomit* excercise into my life and all should be well.

I'm going to post a food diary every day. Feel free to kick my ass if too many "little cheats" appear ;-)

Breakfast:
boiled egg, 1 slice wholewheat toast

Snack:
tea and *blush* most of a packet of biscuits

Lunch:
pasta salad (with pesto,feta cheese and peppers)

Snack:
1/2 a pineapple

Supper:
Broccoli, cauliflower and cheese sauce

ok. so maybe this is more of a healthy eating plan than a diet. still. i don't think chips ahoy fit into either category!

Whoop Whoop!

OMG. My insurance company FINALLY got their asses into gear and paid me out!! it's taken nearly 2 months, but fucking finally i can start looking for new wheels! YAAAAAAA-AAAAAAA-AAAAAAY!!!

This weekend...

paragraphs make me tired. have a list:

• terri's farewell. hmmm... interesting. drunken. fun. drinking roulette and misread cocktail directions. good times.
• you. you musician guy. make up your fucking mind so she can move on. stop string my mate along like that!
• you. friend of mine. be strong. run.
• tommyland!!!
• you. screw you. go away. with your little teenager.
  
• diet cheats by the ton. biscuits. sigh.
• i'm learning. slowly breaking ties.
• i felt regret about losing you lot. fuck that.
• i have no sense of direction. aish aish.
• work hangover. bad. so bad.
• shaeness rocks
  

Begone!

Right. it's diet time. has been since new year and i'm pretty sure that if i don't eat chocolate soon i may become homicidal! but anyway. 2kg's down so far and i've been living on pesto, salad and seeds forever! ok. two weeks, but it may as well be forever. all i'm saying is that any snarkiness is in inverse proportion to the amount of junkfood i consume. and as of this week, no more cheat days. no "well, if i skip supper, i can eat a HUGE bowl of ice cream". i'm going to take my vitamins and i'm going to *vomit* exercise. even if it kills me. which it probably will. but i HAVE to get back into my pre-preg jeans.

wish me luck and hand me the celery. with *gulp* low fat mayo.

2008

yeah. so i probably should have done the round up thing earlier, but sucks to that, i'm doing it now!

Cool:

• new friends... tarryn, if anyone said a year ago that we'd be mates, i'd have laughed my ass off at them. steph and cirst, brilliant workmates, awesome friends. jordan, a virtual mate. when we talk i feel like we may just have the same brain.
  
• old aquaintences making reappearances... vera, i'm so fucking happy that we're FINALLY mates. gerry, you got me through some rough stuff, just with good times and good wine, without even knowing it.
• friends that have stuck around... cath, buzz, justin, garett, dale, terri, dean, tina and a million others. i am so blessed.
  
• zane. i don't even know what to say here. am smit.
• work. i love my job. i know i've mentioned that once or twice before, but fck, i love it. i love it even more after a promotion!
• shae. save the best for last. the change in this little person has been beyond amazing. she is a joy and a treasure and adored by everyone that meets her.

Not Cool:

• Garyth. how do you get over losing someone who has been a part of your life forever. my baby big brother. i still can't bring myself to delete your number. i miss you more than i can possibly explain. it's not fair that you're gone. but you'll never be forgotten. love you gemini.
• death. 2008 was the year of goodbyes. garyth, paul, danny, mary, grandpa. so many, so sad.
• crime. i think i've said enough about this. i want my fucking car back.
  
• friends exiting. two people i though would be around when i was a 60-year old gardening book club member have exited stage right. with no re-entrance for the big finale. fuck.
  

You've gotta be kidding

So in the midst of his country falling apart and thousands sick or dead from cholera... mugabe decides to go on holiday... what.the.fuck.

Seriously. How many more reasons is the world waiting for before they do away with the syphlitic old crazyfuck?

Evet

My fellow Heritage and Keg slapper, Yvette, is officially one of teh most gorgeous and talented women i know and i'm so fucking happy she's back i'm shitting rainbows!

check out her video

So I made a resolution...

In the fine tradition of New Year, i decided to make a resolution... i was going to try to be nicer to dumbfucks. you know, the fuckwits that ask stupid questions, don't use their indicators, park badly, sniff when standing behind you in the checkout queue and take 23 items into the 10 items or less queue.

dumbfucks. really. screw ethnic cleansing, bring on elimintaion by IQ. or just gimme a shotgun and i'll do the eliminating! simple. you piss me off... *bang* you won't piss me off anymore!

but anyway. getting in the spirit, i resolved to be nicer to the annoyingly stupid folk i seem to be plagued by.

all i'm saying is that if you're trying to be nicer to idiots... DON'T go to any chain restaurants and try to get bacon substituted with something else. even if you explain nicely that you'll go muslim fundamentalist on their asses if they fuck your order up, they will.

oh well... bring on new year resolutions in 2010. maybe those will stick. although 25 1/2 years of history says that they probably won't!