clearly i am more fckd up than i thought

it's like a fairy tale right. boy meets girl, sweeps girl off feet and off they go to live happily ever after... right?

erm. clearly not to my mind.

on paper i have everything any normal girl should want (there's the big glaring clue... me and normal don't usually get put in a sentence!)... a great supportive guy that's seen me at my best and worst, and is still here. Pretty fucking amazing that. He adores my child, loves motorsport and music (real music mind you, except for slipknot. he and i'll never agree on slipknot) and gets on great with my friends, who all think he's fantastic. As I do. Don't get me wrong here. I'm totally (to borrow cath's phrase) smit. And so proud of him for working so hard to turn his life around this year.

but... (dum dum duuuuuuuuum)

I'm just not used to this level of devotion. i'm not used to someone being there for EVERYTHING. whether it's complete manic excitement, panic attacks, drunken spewing, bad dancing, silliness, sadness, whatever. he's there, being strong and supportive and just accepting and carrying on with it. it's awesome. and frightening. it scares me that i may start to depend on him and lose some of my strength because i won't need it when he's around to prop me up and get me through my "episodes". and i don't know how to deal with being told i'mbeautiful and amazing and blah blah blah, except to burst out laughing and tell him to get his eyes checked. and i'm scared that one day, after he's invested so much time and love and energy in me, and shae, that he'll realise i AM actually just a fucking nutjob, just like i've been trying to tell him for the last 6 months and then he won't be there anymore.

and most of all, i'm terrified that if i don't learn how to be more open and vulnerable and just go with this amazing thing that has happened to me, i'll drive him away.