this is the last i have to say...

Firstly, although this should be an apology, it isn’t. The time for that is long gone. It is too late for me to apologise for being an irresponsible, stupid, selfish dumbass. And believe you me, I know that I have been all these things. Even though this isn’t an apology, please read on… then I’m out of your lives for good. I know when things are beyond repair and one thing that I have learnt recently is that I need to own my sh1t so this is me doing it…

My behavior that night is inexcusable. I am a big girl and I should know my limits. Should I have called, e-mailed, facebooked or sms’s sooner? Well of course, but I was terrified. I stupidly employed the ostrich approach, hoping that if I hid my head my cr@p would go away by itself. Well, um, yeah. Second mistake.

Am I a drunk? Now, no. Then, yes. Do I have a drinking problem? Yes. Big resounding yes. I realize that now. That night taught me as much and I haven’t had more than a couple of drinks in a night since then. I never lose control anymore because it’s frightening and irresponsible. I could have killed myself that night. As it was I was sick for days.

Am I a junkie? No. Not in the traditional sense. I haven’t touched anything illegal for months. Was I on anything illegal that night? Honestly, no. I can’t smoke weed because it makes me sick and harder drugs make me crash so bad that I don’t take them.

Can I live without prescription medication? No. if I come off anti-depressants I will either kill myself or hurt someone very dear to me. Does that make me a junkie? I hope not. Just someone who desperately needs help.

Did I learn from that night? Of course. I learnt that I have a problem and that it needs to be owned. I am depressed and scared. I need help. Luckily for me, even though it has clearly cost me two of the people I love most in my life, that night made me realize how deep I’d sunk.

That is the end of my explanation. What follows is pure self-indulgence, so stop now, or carry on. I don’t have the energy to care. All the energy I have left is devoted to keeping me afloat so I can be the best mother I can be.

Since that night I’ve made something of a turn-around. I am an addict. Addicted to instant gratification. I want to feel good NOW and £$%^ the consequences. That’s why I drink like an idiot, sleep with married men and do a whole range of stupid things.

After I had Shae and Brett and I split, I was plunged into the darkest place I could possibly imagine. Unless you have been a single, depressed, frightened and lonely mother with a child you feel no connection to, there is no way you can understand. There was no where to turn except to the life I remember having as a teenager, drinking, drugging and sh@gging my way through life. When I am drunk or high or under whatever man, I forget for that fleeting moment.

But I am lucky now. I have managed to, somehow to start turning things around. I have become close to the most amazing man who inspires me daily to be a better person and picks me up when I can’t go on. He is the most phenomenal friend I could ever have asked for. I don’t drink in excess. I have no interest in drugging. I am trying to get my career back on track. I have stopped sleeping with inappropriate men, although he and I will always love each other, it is sibling love now, not that unhealthy messed up lust thing that happened before. I am trying to face up to being a grown up and a mother, which is the scariest thing for me to do. I don’t want to grow up. Relying on other people to make the decisions for me is safe. That way, if I screw up, it’s someone else’s fault. But I am trying.

Yes. That night has cost me two of the most valued people in my life. But I have learnt from it. Why haven’t I said all this before? Because I am a complete f£$%ing coward.

I will miss you guys more than you know. Nikki, I think of you so often, want to sms you about so many things, like the new man friend (not a MAN man, but such a friend. You know him and will be astounded at the real him, not the image we all know), or how Shae refuses to take off the shoes you bought her for her birthday. Carolynn, when I heard the new Alanis cd for the first time, you were the first person I thought of when I heard the track “torch”. For 12 years you guys have been in integral part of my life and I know that I have completely screwed that up. I’ll never forgive myself for that so I don’t expect you to.

Well, that’s what I have to say. Consider it trite bullsh1t if you will, but I haven’t said a word I didn’t mean. As I said, this isn’t an apology. There’s no point in expecting forgiveness from others for something I can’t pardon myself for.

There’s only one thing I ask. Don’t let one night of disgusting, reprehensible, stupid, selfish (and every other adjective that applies) behavior taint 12 years of friendship. I’m not going to let it.

So that’s me, over and out. Sorry for wasting your time.