Garyth

I didn't realise what a huge part of my life you were until the first time i saw you in that hospital bed. it was the first time you weren't happy, full of smiles and cracking some joke in a ridiculous accent. i'd never seen you vulnerable before and it terrified me. i'm the gemini twin that is always a mess... you're the stable one, the sane(ish) one.

but i believed you'd get better. i really thought that you'd come back to us. i was sure that at any second you'd wake up and be ok.

but you didn't wake up. you didn't get better. you left us. when i got the call to say that i must come and say goodbye i was angry as well as sad. how could you leave me here? i was so selfish.

when i got to the hospital, i understood. i wasn't angry. you looked at me and i knew. it was time for you to go and be free from the pain. to go to a place where you'd be whole again. and i told you i loved you. and i told you not to linger in pain for our benefit. and i didn't say goodbye.

i'll see you again.

until then i'll miss you more than you know. even though we didn't live in each other's pockets you were just always there. on our almost shared birthday this year i realised it's the first time in 20 years you haven't called me for my birthday. i hope you got the jack i burnt for you.

and i know that you and uncle lothian are together now, turbo charging the angel's chariots and replacing the pearly gates with carbon fibre.

i love you forever my big (but younger by a few hours) brother

xxx

Long Train Running

aka: the band is home

I never realise how much i miss the band until they're back. all of a sudden the theatre feels right again!

despite a few very major stumbling blocks, like cast members being overseas or unavailable for bits of the show... or no dialogue script being written whatsoever, the show is looking and sounding fantastic and i'm so excited to be working on it for the next month!

at times like this, despite the sleep deprivation, i remember why i love my job so much and why, even with the obvious advantages, a desk job is simply not ever going to be for me!

Hi Blog

Sorry, i know it's been a while and i've been neglecting you horribly, but inspiration is at an all time low... along with my sleep levels.

this morning...

When i woke up this morning, Shae wrapped her arms around my neck and said "good morning mommy, love you" and i knew that no matter what happens in the next 24 hours, today is going to be good.

this is the last i have to say...

Firstly, although this should be an apology, it isn’t. The time for that is long gone. It is too late for me to apologise for being an irresponsible, stupid, selfish dumbass. And believe you me, I know that I have been all these things. Even though this isn’t an apology, please read on… then I’m out of your lives for good. I know when things are beyond repair and one thing that I have learnt recently is that I need to own my sh1t so this is me doing it…

My behavior that night is inexcusable. I am a big girl and I should know my limits. Should I have called, e-mailed, facebooked or sms’s sooner? Well of course, but I was terrified. I stupidly employed the ostrich approach, hoping that if I hid my head my cr@p would go away by itself. Well, um, yeah. Second mistake.

Am I a drunk? Now, no. Then, yes. Do I have a drinking problem? Yes. Big resounding yes. I realize that now. That night taught me as much and I haven’t had more than a couple of drinks in a night since then. I never lose control anymore because it’s frightening and irresponsible. I could have killed myself that night. As it was I was sick for days.

Am I a junkie? No. Not in the traditional sense. I haven’t touched anything illegal for months. Was I on anything illegal that night? Honestly, no. I can’t smoke weed because it makes me sick and harder drugs make me crash so bad that I don’t take them.

Can I live without prescription medication? No. if I come off anti-depressants I will either kill myself or hurt someone very dear to me. Does that make me a junkie? I hope not. Just someone who desperately needs help.

Did I learn from that night? Of course. I learnt that I have a problem and that it needs to be owned. I am depressed and scared. I need help. Luckily for me, even though it has clearly cost me two of the people I love most in my life, that night made me realize how deep I’d sunk.

That is the end of my explanation. What follows is pure self-indulgence, so stop now, or carry on. I don’t have the energy to care. All the energy I have left is devoted to keeping me afloat so I can be the best mother I can be.

Since that night I’ve made something of a turn-around. I am an addict. Addicted to instant gratification. I want to feel good NOW and £$%^ the consequences. That’s why I drink like an idiot, sleep with married men and do a whole range of stupid things.

After I had Shae and Brett and I split, I was plunged into the darkest place I could possibly imagine. Unless you have been a single, depressed, frightened and lonely mother with a child you feel no connection to, there is no way you can understand. There was no where to turn except to the life I remember having as a teenager, drinking, drugging and sh@gging my way through life. When I am drunk or high or under whatever man, I forget for that fleeting moment.

But I am lucky now. I have managed to, somehow to start turning things around. I have become close to the most amazing man who inspires me daily to be a better person and picks me up when I can’t go on. He is the most phenomenal friend I could ever have asked for. I don’t drink in excess. I have no interest in drugging. I am trying to get my career back on track. I have stopped sleeping with inappropriate men, although he and I will always love each other, it is sibling love now, not that unhealthy messed up lust thing that happened before. I am trying to face up to being a grown up and a mother, which is the scariest thing for me to do. I don’t want to grow up. Relying on other people to make the decisions for me is safe. That way, if I screw up, it’s someone else’s fault. But I am trying.

Yes. That night has cost me two of the most valued people in my life. But I have learnt from it. Why haven’t I said all this before? Because I am a complete f£$%ing coward.

I will miss you guys more than you know. Nikki, I think of you so often, want to sms you about so many things, like the new man friend (not a MAN man, but such a friend. You know him and will be astounded at the real him, not the image we all know), or how Shae refuses to take off the shoes you bought her for her birthday. Carolynn, when I heard the new Alanis cd for the first time, you were the first person I thought of when I heard the track “torch”. For 12 years you guys have been in integral part of my life and I know that I have completely screwed that up. I’ll never forgive myself for that so I don’t expect you to.

Well, that’s what I have to say. Consider it trite bullsh1t if you will, but I haven’t said a word I didn’t mean. As I said, this isn’t an apology. There’s no point in expecting forgiveness from others for something I can’t pardon myself for.

There’s only one thing I ask. Don’t let one night of disgusting, reprehensible, stupid, selfish (and every other adjective that applies) behavior taint 12 years of friendship. I’m not going to let it.

So that’s me, over and out. Sorry for wasting your time.

More for You

Nothing i said in the last post is untrue. I meant every word. But, having written it and thinking over the past few weeks, i realised that i have fallen for you in a way i shouldn't have allowed myself to. You don't feel the same way and i'm not going down the unrequited-emo-bullshit road again. I'm sorry to drop bombshells on you. I'm sorry i couldn't keep things platonic. Mostly, i'm sorry that we'll only ever be friends. But i will always value you as a friend.

You

I'm not sure how this happened, but meeting you and growing close to you has been one of the most healing experiences that i've been blessed with in a long time. I feel comfortable and secure around you... something that doesn't happen often. You make me laugh and bring out the best in me. The way you help people and genuinely care inspires me. The random phone calls and sms's you send makes my day a little brighter. You don't know this, but your mere presence has helped me through a very dark time. Thank you. mwah.

SOTD: In Praise of the Vulnerable Man - Alanis

You are the bravest man I’ve ever met
You unreluctant at treacherous ledge

You are the sexiest man I’ve ever been with
You, never hotter than with armor spent

When you do what you do to provide
How you land in the soft as you fortify

This is in praise of the vulnerable man
Why won’t you lead the rest of your cavalry home

You, with your eyes mix strength with abandon
You with your new kind of heroism

And I bow and I bow down to you
To the grace that it takes to melt on through

This is in praise of the vulnerable man
Why won’t you lead the rest of your cavalry home
This is a thank you for letting me in
Indeed in praise of the vulnerable man

You are the greatest man I’ve ever met
You the stealth setter of new precedents

And I vow and I vow to be true
And I vow and I vow to not take advantage

This is in praise of the vulnerable man
Why won’t you lead the rest of your cavalry home
This is a thank you for letting me in
Indeed in praise of the vulnerable man

What i realised today

What i realised today is that i'm over you in a way i never thought i would be. When i saw you today i felt an overwhelming sense of love... but the love i would feel for a sibling or a best friend, not the desperate aching i used to feel every time i saw you and knew you'd never be mine. I feel so free and at peace.

Love you

I wish this was a joke...

*vomit*

Spoto's Steak Joint serves up wild delights

DUNEDIN — I've sampled snails in France, pig's ear in Brazil and stuffed lamb intestines in Lebanon. But I experienced my most exotic culinary adventure last week in …

Dunedin.

At Spoto's Steak Joint.

A reader had called, pointing out that the restaurant's marquee advertised African lion, rattlesnake, bison, elk and boar.

Along with summer intern Jackie Alexander, I was sent to try it out. And, as it happens, I was a good choice for the assignment. As a Lebanese-American I know what it's like to eat "different'' foods. I was the kid eating a brie and pita bread sandwich or stuffed grape leaves for lunch.

I learned not to judge foods until I had tasted them. Having done just that at Spoto's, here's my verdict:

The elk was fabulous.

The kangaroo sweet.

The lion tasted a bit like ribs.

(We'll get to the rattlesnake later.)

We started with the Game Sampler for $25.95, which comes with generous helpings of kangaroo, boar and rattlesnake. But we substituted elk for the snake. The meal was served with steamed asparagus and roasted garlic mashed potatoes.

We also ordered the South African Lion Chop dish, a 14-ounce lion rib chop, char grilled for $48.

Spoto's owner and chef Jim Stewart said all his game is farm raised and USDA approved. The kangaroo is from Australia and the lion is farm raised in South Africa and processed in Colorado. The snake and boar come from Texas and the elk comes from Alaska, Canada or New Zealand.

Stewart has built a niche out of serving unusual meats. Previous menus have included ostrich, bear and python. He sends e-mails to 1,000 patrons when he serves a new type of game.

"Gosh, where else can you go and get barbecue prime ribs, steak … duck and lion or bear or whatever at any given time?" he said. "We've kind of built ourselves a little name for that, and it's caught on."

After munching on chicken liver pate, warm baguettes and salad, our dinners arrived. We were both surprised.

"It looks like regular food," Jackie said.

First, I tried the kangaroo. It was sweet and easy to chew, unlike any other meat I've tried. Then the elk, my favorite, which was so tender, Jackie commented it was better than filet mignon. The boar tasted a little heavier than roasted pork.

Finally, it was time to try the lion. The meat was less tender than the others and came with part of the bone, making it difficult to cut. The taste is difficult to describe, sort of a cross between pork chops and ribs.

Pleased with our delicious meal, Jackie and I were ready to wrap things up when photographer Joseph Garnett noted that we had not tried the rattlesnake.

No, I said.

Snakes scare me. I didn't want one near my mouth. Then Joseph used the "w" word — wimp. So I ordered a small side of snake. I asked that it please not look like snake.

"Snake, snake!" a child chanted in the background.

I made small talk to hide my nervousness, and when the dish arrived, my heart was pounding. It looked like snake. Bones poked out through the meat. Before I could panic, Stewart handed me a fork. I closed my eyes and dug in.

The meat was chewy and had a bland taste, kind of like turkey. It was dressed in a light barbecue sauce that had a little kick to it. If I hadn't psyched myself out, I might have taken another bite.

Open Letter to a Supposed Friend

Dear You...

We've been friends for what feels like forever, almost half of my life. We've seen some rough patches...dodgy men, drugs, illness, pregnancy and gods know what else, but somehow always pulled through. Lately, however, I've felt disconnected form you in a way that i haven't experienced before in the 12 - odd years we've known each other.

It's strange how getting older and *shudder* growing up has brought me closer to some people who i couldn't stand before and who couldn't stand me, while it seems to have driven a wedge between us, me and my soul sister.

I don't know how this started. Maybe the difference in our upbringing has finally become too much for us to look past. I was raised in a liberal, free thinking house and had to work for most of what i have while your family have always been conservative and you were given everything... as long as you followed the life path your parents mapped out for you.

Maybe it's that we're in different places at the moment. You run businesses and are married and settled. I'm a single mother just starting to build a career with no real prospects of settling down anytime soon. I party until the early hours, you prefer a braai at home.

I know our morals will never be the same. We always knew that. We just look at the world differently. But this always worked in our favour before... You were my conscience and I encouraged you to have fun.

I look back and wonder that i never saw certain things before. When did you become so judgmental of people we both love and have known forever. When did you become so judgmental of me? When did you become an old prude?

The silence started straight after that stupid, stupid night. I don't know why though. What did I do? Before, you always told me what i did wrong. We were never afraid to speak our minds. So why the silence? Did I say something unforgivable? Did I do something that disgusting?

Please. Just let me know. I want to call you several times a week. There are things happening in my life now that I long to tell you about. I want to know how you are, but I'm too scared to pick up the phone in case I find out that I've lost someone I've considered a sister for so long.

Love You
xxx

Shae

I have no idea where the last 20 months have gone, but somehow, against all odds and genetics, this little one has turned out pretty damn good, if i do say so myself!