Just for the record...

right. time to get back on the blogging horse, so to speak...

firstly, i apologise for the absence. the usual year end madness has rendered me completely incapable of doing anything besides staring blankly at facebook whenever i have time to turn the computer on.

i'm pretty glad to be seeing the tail end of this year actually. i think me and, more importantly, those close to me have had more than our fair share of shit to deal with in 2008. time to move on, time for a fresh start.

seems i'm rambling again. big deal, just stop reading if you don't like it...

ok, please don't stop. keep reading, humor my endless need for public approval for just a few more minutes...

there's just a few things i have to say.

i'm not a bad parent, number one. i don't care what you fucking think. if i had to dedicate every second of every 24 hour day to my daughter, i would go crazy. so i don't think there's anything wrong with being in the same room as her, while she's happily occupied, and reading a book. and don't stress, i'll be out of your house soon enough, so you won't have to watch me fucking up raising your grandchild for too much longer.

number two. i was a complete headcase before i was hijacked. it didn't take having a gun shoved in my face to send me off the deep end. i took that plunge fucking years ago. you were just too wrapped up in everything else going on to notice that maybe i was without oars. so stop with the current concern. too little too late. you're not going to win a parent of the year award for it, trust me. fuck off and leave me alone. i've done well enough without your fake "oooh, i really do care" horseshit for fucking YEARS. i don't want or need it now. you're just making the both of us feel uncomfortable. lets go back to conversing through slammed doors. it's that much easier.

as for my perceived lack of communication with the rest of the family... yeah, ok no problem. i'd happily start up conversations with the rest of the household... if it didn't take under 5 minutes for the discussion to turn to how perfect everyone else is. i'm sorry that i dared get knocked up. i'm sorry that i dared not to marry her father, i'm sorry that i don't have a real job, i'm sorry i was stupid enough to do most of the things i've done in life, but it's happened and i can't change that, and rubbing my face in it at every opportunity isn't going to chage anythign, so deal with it and move the fuck on.

Learn From Me

Hey Girls

After my Friday night excitement, there's some things I want to share with you...

• Be aware of what's happening around you when you're getting close to home or to intersections. if it means turning off the radio and concentrating a little harder, do it.
• if there's someone driving close behind you when you get home, phone someone and drive around the block. keep driving until the car disappears. don't assume ANYONE is innoccent. i know it's a sh1tty way to live, but it's our reality.
• if the what happens to me happens to you, LISTEN to and OBEY what the hijackers say. these are not the types to think twice about killing. DON'T try any heroics and DON'T lie to them. if they ask for your bank card and pin, just give it to them. if they drive you to an ATM and find out you've lied, you're dead. reality. it bites.
• make yourself human. let them know that if they harm you, they're not hurting a random lump of meat, you are a person.
• if they tell you to run, RUN. and don't head back to the road they left you on straight away. you are sport and an easy target for these guys. you have no value. get out of their way as soon as they let you.

keep safe.

love you all

SOTD

John Mayer - Waiting on the World to Change

fuck forgiveness.

We live in a fucked up world. we all know this. but for me the fucked-up-edness was always over theeeeeeeeere. not here. not in my driveway. and it certainly didn't carry a 9mm.

the guys that hi-jacked me did. 6 men with guns against me. granted, i'm not the most delicate flower out there, not a flower at all really, but 6?

seeing them jumping out of their car was like a bad dream. seeing the gun in my face, them forcing me into the passenger seat instead of letting me run, not knowing if shae would have a mom in the morning. just not knowing. i thought that nothing could be worse. but then sitting on the side of the road listening to 6 men arguing about whether to just let me go or to take me along for the rest of the ride, or to kill me? THAT was the moment when i was more frightened than i had been in the hour-ish that the most terrifying drive of my life took.

and i'm pissed off. no, more than that. i'm FUCKED off. so incredibly FUCKED off.

it's not about the car. as much as i loved my car, it's a hunk of metal. it is replaceable.

it's the fact that while people are getting hi-jacked, raped, murdered and while children have to sleep on freezing streets, the fucknuts in government, and mr mike asswipe sutcliff thinks that money is better spent re-maning streets and getting rid of the springbok emblem than getting off their fucking asses and doing something about this awesome country going down the tubes.

it's the fact that i am now not comfortable in my own driveway. that i have to drive around the block 3 times before i pluck up the courage to go home.

it's the fact that i'm the 3rd person in the area that these cnuts have done this to and FUCK ALL has been done about it.

it's the fact that we live in a society where people think that it's ok to just take what you can't afford.

it's the fact that i am expected to be intensly grateful that i'm alive. that we have reached a point that it's considered ok to have your car stolen, and a gun in your face as long as you're alive. no, IT'S NOT FUCKING OK. it's shit. it sucks. it fucking fucking sucks and i hope the dickheads that did this to me get whats coming. fuck them. they deserve to die. they've stolen my peace and security and made me nervous of my own friends. fuck being grateful. i want them to know what i'm going through. i want them caught and ass-raped every night of their worthless stinking fucking pointless lives. i want them to suffer. and i hope that when thats happening, that they remeber their victims and realise that that is what they did to us.

fuck forgiveness.