Freedom

Last night I decided it is time to move on. I refuse to feel the way i do with no hope of reciprocation. Yes. I want to be your friend, and I love our friendship... or the perceived friendship I thought we shared, but i want so much more.

Last night I realised that no matter what you have said to me, I will only ever be a silly girl in your eyes, never an equal. I realised that no matter how you tried to justify what we have done and no matter how i try to convince myself otherwise, what we "had" was wrong and is wrong and completely unfair to her. If you can't devote yourself to her, don't try to find comfort with others while making her think it's all ok. I feel dirty and sad that I thought it was ok.

Last night I deleted you from my phone, I deleted your messages and the pictures of us. I felt liberated.

Last night I decided that I would no longer compare other men to you, because, no matter what I'd convinced myself up until this point, you are not perfect and I am cheating myself out of the hopes of something happy by trying to find a carbon copy of you.

Last night I cried and felt sick to the stomach at the thought of ending what I thought we had because, however hard I tried to tell myself that I was just doing it for the fun, I'd fallen in love with you. I have been from the first time we met, first, with the persona and image and later with the person I thought I knew.

Last night I lost a lover and a friend, not to death or anger or any other physical thing, but because I woke up and realised that the real you is not the you I had in my head or my heart