hey all
I'm out of here. find me at www.meganstow.wordpress.com from now on.
kthnxbai
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Dear Beautiful
Hey
I've been missing you. It's only been 2 weeks, but it feels like a fucking lifetime. Since you've been away, I've realised, even though I bitch and moan that you seem to sap all my energy at times, how much energy and warmth I drew from you. And it's not just me. I watch you around other people. You have the most amazing aura that just draws people to you. You care about everything and manage to somehow genuinely listen to every one of the masses that are desperate to have a bit of your attention.
And what blows my mind every time I see this side of you is that you make so much time for me. You have lived through so much, seen so much, loved so much and know so much that i feel like a child compared to you. But still you want to be around me. When you told me you think of me as a sister, I didn't burst into tears because i was disappointed that you didn't want more of me... I was overwhelmed that you'd think of someone as insignificant as me in that way. You don't realise how much your friendship and love meant to me and how you just being around has got me through the worst times.
And now you're away for what looks like a lifetime from this side of February. I really can't wait for you to come back. It's so quiet and cold without you.
Mwah
I've been missing you. It's only been 2 weeks, but it feels like a fucking lifetime. Since you've been away, I've realised, even though I bitch and moan that you seem to sap all my energy at times, how much energy and warmth I drew from you. And it's not just me. I watch you around other people. You have the most amazing aura that just draws people to you. You care about everything and manage to somehow genuinely listen to every one of the masses that are desperate to have a bit of your attention.
And what blows my mind every time I see this side of you is that you make so much time for me. You have lived through so much, seen so much, loved so much and know so much that i feel like a child compared to you. But still you want to be around me. When you told me you think of me as a sister, I didn't burst into tears because i was disappointed that you didn't want more of me... I was overwhelmed that you'd think of someone as insignificant as me in that way. You don't realise how much your friendship and love meant to me and how you just being around has got me through the worst times.
And now you're away for what looks like a lifetime from this side of February. I really can't wait for you to come back. It's so quiet and cold without you.
Mwah
clearly i am more fckd up than i thought
it's like a fairy tale right. boy meets girl, sweeps girl off feet and off they go to live happily ever after... right?
erm. clearly not to my mind.
on paper i have everything any normal girl should want (there's the big glaring clue... me and normal don't usually get put in a sentence!)... a great supportive guy that's seen me at my best and worst, and is still here. Pretty fucking amazing that. He adores my child, loves motorsport and music (real music mind you, except for slipknot. he and i'll never agree on slipknot) and gets on great with my friends, who all think he's fantastic. As I do. Don't get me wrong here. I'm totally (to borrow cath's phrase) smit. And so proud of him for working so hard to turn his life around this year.
but... (dum dum duuuuuuuuum)
I'm just not used to this level of devotion. i'm not used to someone being there for EVERYTHING. whether it's complete manic excitement, panic attacks, drunken spewing, bad dancing, silliness, sadness, whatever. he's there, being strong and supportive and just accepting and carrying on with it. it's awesome. and frightening. it scares me that i may start to depend on him and lose some of my strength because i won't need it when he's around to prop me up and get me through my "episodes". and i don't know how to deal with being told i'mbeautiful and amazing and blah blah blah, except to burst out laughing and tell him to get his eyes checked. and i'm scared that one day, after he's invested so much time and love and energy in me, and shae, that he'll realise i AM actually just a fucking nutjob, just like i've been trying to tell him for the last 6 months and then he won't be there anymore.
and most of all, i'm terrified that if i don't learn how to be more open and vulnerable and just go with this amazing thing that has happened to me, i'll drive him away.
erm. clearly not to my mind.
on paper i have everything any normal girl should want (there's the big glaring clue... me and normal don't usually get put in a sentence!)... a great supportive guy that's seen me at my best and worst, and is still here. Pretty fucking amazing that. He adores my child, loves motorsport and music (real music mind you, except for slipknot. he and i'll never agree on slipknot) and gets on great with my friends, who all think he's fantastic. As I do. Don't get me wrong here. I'm totally (to borrow cath's phrase) smit. And so proud of him for working so hard to turn his life around this year.
but... (dum dum duuuuuuuuum)
I'm just not used to this level of devotion. i'm not used to someone being there for EVERYTHING. whether it's complete manic excitement, panic attacks, drunken spewing, bad dancing, silliness, sadness, whatever. he's there, being strong and supportive and just accepting and carrying on with it. it's awesome. and frightening. it scares me that i may start to depend on him and lose some of my strength because i won't need it when he's around to prop me up and get me through my "episodes". and i don't know how to deal with being told i'mbeautiful and amazing and blah blah blah, except to burst out laughing and tell him to get his eyes checked. and i'm scared that one day, after he's invested so much time and love and energy in me, and shae, that he'll realise i AM actually just a fucking nutjob, just like i've been trying to tell him for the last 6 months and then he won't be there anymore.
and most of all, i'm terrified that if i don't learn how to be more open and vulnerable and just go with this amazing thing that has happened to me, i'll drive him away.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
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