This weekend...

paragraphs make me tired. have a list:

• terri's farewell. hmmm... interesting. drunken. fun. drinking roulette and misread cocktail directions. good times.
• you. you musician guy. make up your fucking mind so she can move on. stop string my mate along like that!
• you. friend of mine. be strong. run.
• tommyland!!!
• you. screw you. go away. with your little teenager.
  
• diet cheats by the ton. biscuits. sigh.
• i'm learning. slowly breaking ties.
• i felt regret about losing you lot. fuck that.
• i have no sense of direction. aish aish.
• work hangover. bad. so bad.
• shaeness rocks
  

So I made a resolution...

In the fine tradition of New Year, i decided to make a resolution... i was going to try to be nicer to dumbfucks. you know, the fuckwits that ask stupid questions, don't use their indicators, park badly, sniff when standing behind you in the checkout queue and take 23 items into the 10 items or less queue.

dumbfucks. really. screw ethnic cleansing, bring on elimintaion by IQ. or just gimme a shotgun and i'll do the eliminating! simple. you piss me off... *bang* you won't piss me off anymore!

but anyway. getting in the spirit, i resolved to be nicer to the annoyingly stupid folk i seem to be plagued by.

all i'm saying is that if you're trying to be nicer to idiots... DON'T go to any chain restaurants and try to get bacon substituted with something else. even if you explain nicely that you'll go muslim fundamentalist on their asses if they fuck your order up, they will.

oh well... bring on new year resolutions in 2010. maybe those will stick. although 25 1/2 years of history says that they probably won't!

Stuff for today

Picture of the day
yo.

SOTD: Operator - Delicate
for no reason other than i've been listening to it on repeat for a large part of today

QOTD: Morality is like art. It's about drawing a line. Best draw the line in pencil so when you change your mind you can rub it out and draw a new one.

If Grandpa were a dog...

Yeah, i know it's a bit of a bizarre title, but think about it. What if we treated our elderly like we treat our pets?

• Oops, Grandpa can't control his bladder so well, he simply can't live inside anymore.
• Oh no, we can't possibly cope with such a senile old fart, he's going to have to go live with another family. If no one takes him, we'll just leave him on the side of the road.
• Oh dear, we're moving overseas. Well Grandpa, we're just going to have to send you to the old folks re-distribution centre and see if anyone wants to take you in. We, of course, will never think of you again.
• Well, it seems Grandpa has gone deaf/blind/smells funny. We'll have to have him put down. Bye Bye Grandpa!
  

My Interim Government

So while the political situation in SA is running to shit, i decided to have some fun and create my own cabinet:

President: Me. Of course.

Vice Presidents: Cath and Token Nick

Ministers of Ass Kicking: Christa and Tanya

Minister of Environmental Affairs: Super Anen.

Ministers of Arts: Dawn and Tina

Ministers of Transport: Justin, Dono, Dale and Zane

Ministers of Safety and Security: the Thomson Brothers

Minister of "holy shit, who let you out of the house like that?!?" and Personal Stylist to the Prez: Callum

Minister of Finances: My mom. Even my dad is too scared to ask her for money!!

Ministers of Foregin Affairs: Mickey and Brett M (although between them, i have the feeling they'd declare war on every where except england, france and the scandanavian block!)

Ministers of other important stuff who deserve to be cabinet members but i can't think of specific jobs for them: Garett, Tarryn, Young Nick, Fiona and Stephanie.

So. Who's voting for me? :-D

Ink Itch

I swore i'd only get one tattoo. one. no more. well... so far i've done pretty damn well sticking to that, but now i've been hit by major ink itch. i'm desperate to get more ink. now the question. what and where?

more to follow.

Just a Thought

I'm not much of a sports fan. if it doesn't have wheels and a motor, count me out. but this week i've been obsessivly watching the paralympic games. it's amazing what these people can do, and what they've overcome to get there.

take oscar pistorious for example. here's a guy that lost both legs as a baby and is kicking ass in china. he's so good that able bodied athletes are afraid of having him compete in their competitions. he had to go to court to fight for the right to compete int eh able bodied olympics.

we're only 4 days into the games and already SA's won 8 medals. 6 of them are golds. we're 9th on the medal table. same as last time, our paralympic team is doing miles better than the olympic team.

so my question is this... why are these guys and girls not getting the same kind of coverage and recognician as the able bodied athletes? why did dstv shut down the olympic channel before the paralympics even started? the coverage of the games has been pushed onto the 6th sport channel, with some shitty, stupid overseas soccer on the main channels. where's our patriotism people? why is it that we bitch and moan when our teams don't win, but when we have a team out there kicking ass, we don't give them the recognition they deserve?

it's a load of shit in my opinion. it is because some guy with no legs won't look good on a cosmo spread? or a one legged chick can't advertise nike's? maybe the guys with cerebral palsy just aren't good looking enough to be marketed?

sigh. fucked up world we live in.

Today's Wish

My wish for today is that life will stop shitting on those i love the most.

My wish for today is that the fuckwits that invade our lives will wake up and fuck off

My wish for today is that all my bestest lovelies will be blessed with friends like mine.

I know it's traditional that you only get three wishes, but i'm going for one more.

My wish for today is that nice people could, just every now and then, i'm not asking much, have nice things happen to them.

This Week

So i'm sitting listening to leonard cohen looking back on this week, which has had its moments of stress and trauma, but on the whole been pretty damn good. the parking lot parties have resumed, the band is back home and the new cast members are amazing people.

Somehow, during this week, my faith in humanity has been almost re-established. and i have no idea how it happened. Maybe it's that in think i'm done with the latest pruning of people i thought were friends. the ones left are the most beautiful, caring, supportive people i could ever hope for. for the first time in my life i feel accepted for me, no pretenses, no act, no crap. this is me and i'm loved no matter how screwed up i am.

thanks guys :-)

Hi Blog

Sorry, i know it's been a while and i've been neglecting you horribly, but inspiration is at an all time low... along with my sleep levels.

this is the last i have to say...

Firstly, although this should be an apology, it isn’t. The time for that is long gone. It is too late for me to apologise for being an irresponsible, stupid, selfish dumbass. And believe you me, I know that I have been all these things. Even though this isn’t an apology, please read on… then I’m out of your lives for good. I know when things are beyond repair and one thing that I have learnt recently is that I need to own my sh1t so this is me doing it…

My behavior that night is inexcusable. I am a big girl and I should know my limits. Should I have called, e-mailed, facebooked or sms’s sooner? Well of course, but I was terrified. I stupidly employed the ostrich approach, hoping that if I hid my head my cr@p would go away by itself. Well, um, yeah. Second mistake.

Am I a drunk? Now, no. Then, yes. Do I have a drinking problem? Yes. Big resounding yes. I realize that now. That night taught me as much and I haven’t had more than a couple of drinks in a night since then. I never lose control anymore because it’s frightening and irresponsible. I could have killed myself that night. As it was I was sick for days.

Am I a junkie? No. Not in the traditional sense. I haven’t touched anything illegal for months. Was I on anything illegal that night? Honestly, no. I can’t smoke weed because it makes me sick and harder drugs make me crash so bad that I don’t take them.

Can I live without prescription medication? No. if I come off anti-depressants I will either kill myself or hurt someone very dear to me. Does that make me a junkie? I hope not. Just someone who desperately needs help.

Did I learn from that night? Of course. I learnt that I have a problem and that it needs to be owned. I am depressed and scared. I need help. Luckily for me, even though it has clearly cost me two of the people I love most in my life, that night made me realize how deep I’d sunk.

That is the end of my explanation. What follows is pure self-indulgence, so stop now, or carry on. I don’t have the energy to care. All the energy I have left is devoted to keeping me afloat so I can be the best mother I can be.

Since that night I’ve made something of a turn-around. I am an addict. Addicted to instant gratification. I want to feel good NOW and £$%^ the consequences. That’s why I drink like an idiot, sleep with married men and do a whole range of stupid things.

After I had Shae and Brett and I split, I was plunged into the darkest place I could possibly imagine. Unless you have been a single, depressed, frightened and lonely mother with a child you feel no connection to, there is no way you can understand. There was no where to turn except to the life I remember having as a teenager, drinking, drugging and sh@gging my way through life. When I am drunk or high or under whatever man, I forget for that fleeting moment.

But I am lucky now. I have managed to, somehow to start turning things around. I have become close to the most amazing man who inspires me daily to be a better person and picks me up when I can’t go on. He is the most phenomenal friend I could ever have asked for. I don’t drink in excess. I have no interest in drugging. I am trying to get my career back on track. I have stopped sleeping with inappropriate men, although he and I will always love each other, it is sibling love now, not that unhealthy messed up lust thing that happened before. I am trying to face up to being a grown up and a mother, which is the scariest thing for me to do. I don’t want to grow up. Relying on other people to make the decisions for me is safe. That way, if I screw up, it’s someone else’s fault. But I am trying.

Yes. That night has cost me two of the most valued people in my life. But I have learnt from it. Why haven’t I said all this before? Because I am a complete f£$%ing coward.

I will miss you guys more than you know. Nikki, I think of you so often, want to sms you about so many things, like the new man friend (not a MAN man, but such a friend. You know him and will be astounded at the real him, not the image we all know), or how Shae refuses to take off the shoes you bought her for her birthday. Carolynn, when I heard the new Alanis cd for the first time, you were the first person I thought of when I heard the track “torch”. For 12 years you guys have been in integral part of my life and I know that I have completely screwed that up. I’ll never forgive myself for that so I don’t expect you to.

Well, that’s what I have to say. Consider it trite bullsh1t if you will, but I haven’t said a word I didn’t mean. As I said, this isn’t an apology. There’s no point in expecting forgiveness from others for something I can’t pardon myself for.

There’s only one thing I ask. Don’t let one night of disgusting, reprehensible, stupid, selfish (and every other adjective that applies) behavior taint 12 years of friendship. I’m not going to let it.

So that’s me, over and out. Sorry for wasting your time.

Open Letter to a Supposed Friend

Dear You...

We've been friends for what feels like forever, almost half of my life. We've seen some rough patches...dodgy men, drugs, illness, pregnancy and gods know what else, but somehow always pulled through. Lately, however, I've felt disconnected form you in a way that i haven't experienced before in the 12 - odd years we've known each other.

It's strange how getting older and *shudder* growing up has brought me closer to some people who i couldn't stand before and who couldn't stand me, while it seems to have driven a wedge between us, me and my soul sister.

I don't know how this started. Maybe the difference in our upbringing has finally become too much for us to look past. I was raised in a liberal, free thinking house and had to work for most of what i have while your family have always been conservative and you were given everything... as long as you followed the life path your parents mapped out for you.

Maybe it's that we're in different places at the moment. You run businesses and are married and settled. I'm a single mother just starting to build a career with no real prospects of settling down anytime soon. I party until the early hours, you prefer a braai at home.

I know our morals will never be the same. We always knew that. We just look at the world differently. But this always worked in our favour before... You were my conscience and I encouraged you to have fun.

I look back and wonder that i never saw certain things before. When did you become so judgmental of people we both love and have known forever. When did you become so judgmental of me? When did you become an old prude?

The silence started straight after that stupid, stupid night. I don't know why though. What did I do? Before, you always told me what i did wrong. We were never afraid to speak our minds. So why the silence? Did I say something unforgivable? Did I do something that disgusting?

Please. Just let me know. I want to call you several times a week. There are things happening in my life now that I long to tell you about. I want to know how you are, but I'm too scared to pick up the phone in case I find out that I've lost someone I've considered a sister for so long.

Love You
xxx

Just a quick note to say...

Firstly, Alanis Morisette has written yet another volume in the soundtrack of my life. I can hear so much of me in her new album that it frightens me. Secondly, i'm not ok right now, but experience shows that i will eventually be able to pull my shit together and get on with it. I'm saying this mostly for myself than for the two people that actually read this. Thirdly. I miss you and find my thoughts turning to you almost every second of the day. Sigh.

The time has come

It hit home last night when i realised that i spend over R 7 000 a year on cigarettes. i have to quit. now is the time. so i apologise in advance for any heads that i may rip off. on the upside, now i'll have more money for shoes :-)

bollocks

i had so much i wanted to say when i got home today. half a bottle of wine and i can't bloody remember any of it anymore.

Strange, ain't it

Often the nights that, on paper should be the biggest fuck ups and start out looking like absolute hell, turn out to be the ones that really rock.

what a party last night. i am pleasantly surprised that middle-aged insurance brokers can jol like that.

song of the day: immigrant song - led zeppelin because as soon as someone requested that last night, we kind of all knew it was going to be ok!

A life lesson...

it is never a good idea to put two drunk girls on the front seat of a car and then drive down fields hill playing kiddie punk. infinitely amusing for all other passengers, but a bit of problem untangling drunken limbs when one of the above mentioned girls has to try and get out of the car!

SOTD: scotty doesn't know

Apologies

for the silence. normal broadcasting will resume when a)inspiration hits or b) i've slept some

sleep

i dream (or i would, if i ever actually got to sleep!) of a whole 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep. hell. at this point i'll settle for much less. 6 hours. no disturbances. heaven.

it's official

Cath has decided it's time for us to grow up:

Cath: Megan! No, seriously, we've both had kids, it's time we grew up
Megan: Ok. You first.
Cath: NO! I had a baby first, you grow up first!
Megan: Um, no.
Cath: Ok, love you bye
Megan: OK, love you

So from now on, it's tea instead of jack daniels, cross stitch and decoupage instead of partying and gardening instead of whatever other debaucherous stuff i currently occupy myself with.

now, one more post and then i have to go and read a Keith Kirsten book on re-potting the lavender.