hey all
I'm out of here. find me at www.meganstow.wordpress.com from now on.
kthnxbai
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Dear Beautiful
Hey
I've been missing you. It's only been 2 weeks, but it feels like a fucking lifetime. Since you've been away, I've realised, even though I bitch and moan that you seem to sap all my energy at times, how much energy and warmth I drew from you. And it's not just me. I watch you around other people. You have the most amazing aura that just draws people to you. You care about everything and manage to somehow genuinely listen to every one of the masses that are desperate to have a bit of your attention.
And what blows my mind every time I see this side of you is that you make so much time for me. You have lived through so much, seen so much, loved so much and know so much that i feel like a child compared to you. But still you want to be around me. When you told me you think of me as a sister, I didn't burst into tears because i was disappointed that you didn't want more of me... I was overwhelmed that you'd think of someone as insignificant as me in that way. You don't realise how much your friendship and love meant to me and how you just being around has got me through the worst times.
And now you're away for what looks like a lifetime from this side of February. I really can't wait for you to come back. It's so quiet and cold without you.
Mwah
I've been missing you. It's only been 2 weeks, but it feels like a fucking lifetime. Since you've been away, I've realised, even though I bitch and moan that you seem to sap all my energy at times, how much energy and warmth I drew from you. And it's not just me. I watch you around other people. You have the most amazing aura that just draws people to you. You care about everything and manage to somehow genuinely listen to every one of the masses that are desperate to have a bit of your attention.
And what blows my mind every time I see this side of you is that you make so much time for me. You have lived through so much, seen so much, loved so much and know so much that i feel like a child compared to you. But still you want to be around me. When you told me you think of me as a sister, I didn't burst into tears because i was disappointed that you didn't want more of me... I was overwhelmed that you'd think of someone as insignificant as me in that way. You don't realise how much your friendship and love meant to me and how you just being around has got me through the worst times.
And now you're away for what looks like a lifetime from this side of February. I really can't wait for you to come back. It's so quiet and cold without you.
Mwah
clearly i am more fckd up than i thought
it's like a fairy tale right. boy meets girl, sweeps girl off feet and off they go to live happily ever after... right?
erm. clearly not to my mind.
on paper i have everything any normal girl should want (there's the big glaring clue... me and normal don't usually get put in a sentence!)... a great supportive guy that's seen me at my best and worst, and is still here. Pretty fucking amazing that. He adores my child, loves motorsport and music (real music mind you, except for slipknot. he and i'll never agree on slipknot) and gets on great with my friends, who all think he's fantastic. As I do. Don't get me wrong here. I'm totally (to borrow cath's phrase) smit. And so proud of him for working so hard to turn his life around this year.
but... (dum dum duuuuuuuuum)
I'm just not used to this level of devotion. i'm not used to someone being there for EVERYTHING. whether it's complete manic excitement, panic attacks, drunken spewing, bad dancing, silliness, sadness, whatever. he's there, being strong and supportive and just accepting and carrying on with it. it's awesome. and frightening. it scares me that i may start to depend on him and lose some of my strength because i won't need it when he's around to prop me up and get me through my "episodes". and i don't know how to deal with being told i'mbeautiful and amazing and blah blah blah, except to burst out laughing and tell him to get his eyes checked. and i'm scared that one day, after he's invested so much time and love and energy in me, and shae, that he'll realise i AM actually just a fucking nutjob, just like i've been trying to tell him for the last 6 months and then he won't be there anymore.
and most of all, i'm terrified that if i don't learn how to be more open and vulnerable and just go with this amazing thing that has happened to me, i'll drive him away.
erm. clearly not to my mind.
on paper i have everything any normal girl should want (there's the big glaring clue... me and normal don't usually get put in a sentence!)... a great supportive guy that's seen me at my best and worst, and is still here. Pretty fucking amazing that. He adores my child, loves motorsport and music (real music mind you, except for slipknot. he and i'll never agree on slipknot) and gets on great with my friends, who all think he's fantastic. As I do. Don't get me wrong here. I'm totally (to borrow cath's phrase) smit. And so proud of him for working so hard to turn his life around this year.
but... (dum dum duuuuuuuuum)
I'm just not used to this level of devotion. i'm not used to someone being there for EVERYTHING. whether it's complete manic excitement, panic attacks, drunken spewing, bad dancing, silliness, sadness, whatever. he's there, being strong and supportive and just accepting and carrying on with it. it's awesome. and frightening. it scares me that i may start to depend on him and lose some of my strength because i won't need it when he's around to prop me up and get me through my "episodes". and i don't know how to deal with being told i'mbeautiful and amazing and blah blah blah, except to burst out laughing and tell him to get his eyes checked. and i'm scared that one day, after he's invested so much time and love and energy in me, and shae, that he'll realise i AM actually just a fucking nutjob, just like i've been trying to tell him for the last 6 months and then he won't be there anymore.
and most of all, i'm terrified that if i don't learn how to be more open and vulnerable and just go with this amazing thing that has happened to me, i'll drive him away.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
blah
So, insurance finally paid out post-hijacking. took the fuckers narly 2 months of faxing forms, re-faxing forms, arguing about which forms were faxed and which i'd yet to re-fax blah blah blah, ad nauseum.
With much excitement off i go car shopping. wheeeeee!
I found a divine little Ford Ikon, in the bestest condition at Honda in Pinetown.
Yesterday i sat down and did the finance applications and waited with baited breath. Shortly after this, i got a call to say that the finance was approved. So off to Honda Pinetown i rush, deposit cheque in hand, sign forms and get told i can pick my car up on Saturday. Ecxellent, much smsing and merriment on my part and a sigh of relief from my family and friends as they will no longer have to fetch and carry me.
Today. The phone rings and a VERY rude man from Westbank tells me that they won't give me finance until i can present payslips. Problem. I don't get payslips as I'm a freelance tech, not employed by any one theatre. Well, in that case says rudecunt, I have to provide them with 6 months bank statements. But I've given you 3 already. Yes, but 3 further back than that. You don't have enough money moving through your account says rudecunt.
Um. ok then. but my increased rate is only effective from NOW and NOW i have enough money to pay for my beautiful car. My bank statement in June won't show you that mr rudecunt. I don't care says mr rudecunt. oh. and you can't have your car tomorrow.
Oh well. at least i have insurance for a car i don't own. Wonder how long it'll take them to give me my deposit back?
wail. i really loved that car.
so fucking sick of life dumping on me.
i know i'm being emo, but didn't i have enough of a bad karma payout when 6 armed men abducted me, stole my car and left me in a sugarcane field?
fucksakes.
better go and send out "oops, i take that back, you'll still have to fetch and cary me sms's."
With much excitement off i go car shopping. wheeeeee!
I found a divine little Ford Ikon, in the bestest condition at Honda in Pinetown.
Yesterday i sat down and did the finance applications and waited with baited breath. Shortly after this, i got a call to say that the finance was approved. So off to Honda Pinetown i rush, deposit cheque in hand, sign forms and get told i can pick my car up on Saturday. Ecxellent, much smsing and merriment on my part and a sigh of relief from my family and friends as they will no longer have to fetch and carry me.
Today. The phone rings and a VERY rude man from Westbank tells me that they won't give me finance until i can present payslips. Problem. I don't get payslips as I'm a freelance tech, not employed by any one theatre. Well, in that case says rudecunt, I have to provide them with 6 months bank statements. But I've given you 3 already. Yes, but 3 further back than that. You don't have enough money moving through your account says rudecunt.
Um. ok then. but my increased rate is only effective from NOW and NOW i have enough money to pay for my beautiful car. My bank statement in June won't show you that mr rudecunt. I don't care says mr rudecunt. oh. and you can't have your car tomorrow.
Oh well. at least i have insurance for a car i don't own. Wonder how long it'll take them to give me my deposit back?
wail. i really loved that car.
so fucking sick of life dumping on me.
i know i'm being emo, but didn't i have enough of a bad karma payout when 6 armed men abducted me, stole my car and left me in a sugarcane field?
fucksakes.
better go and send out "oops, i take that back, you'll still have to fetch and cary me sms's."
Thursday, January 29, 2009
random list stuff
1. I am terrified about the fact that i'm now in a huge amount of debt.
2. I still don't want to be grown up.
3. It's very quiet at work without the crazy musicians, but it's kind of nice, as much as i miss them, to have a chilled night with no rushing or drama. It also gives my liver a break.
4. Even though the last couple of times have been a disaster, i'm friggin determined to stop smoking this time. Starting tomorrow.
5. Toilet training is a mission.
6. I'm feeling a little cheated that religion makes no sense to me. I'd love to have something to believe in.
7. I'm so happy the sun's out. Even though i LOATHE sunshine (my irish complexion doesn't work well with UV rays) i really need to do washing. Laundry day today.
8. I need new shoes. Not for any practical reason. Shoes just make me feel better.
9. I can't wait for monday so i can spend time with my man. And i never thought I'd feel that way about anyone. It's wierd, but good.
2. I still don't want to be grown up.
3. It's very quiet at work without the crazy musicians, but it's kind of nice, as much as i miss them, to have a chilled night with no rushing or drama. It also gives my liver a break.
4. Even though the last couple of times have been a disaster, i'm friggin determined to stop smoking this time. Starting tomorrow.
5. Toilet training is a mission.
6. I'm feeling a little cheated that religion makes no sense to me. I'd love to have something to believe in.
7. I'm so happy the sun's out. Even though i LOATHE sunshine (my irish complexion doesn't work well with UV rays) i really need to do washing. Laundry day today.
8. I need new shoes. Not for any practical reason. Shoes just make me feel better.
9. I can't wait for monday so i can spend time with my man. And i never thought I'd feel that way about anyone. It's wierd, but good.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
slimmin stuff
just for the record. this diet thing. not working. at.all. as soon as i get paid i'm going to try out these fat blocker tablets my boss raves about. i'm too weak to resist biscuits. if this doesn't work i'm getting my stomach stapled.
that being said. i had a smoothie for breakfast. how friggin good am i?
that being said. i had a smoothie for breakfast. how friggin good am i?
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